Reality check

Posted by Adrenalynn on July 7, 2009

I’ve never claimed to be a parenting expert. Like everyone else I learn as I go along, and try to do the best I can to give my kids a good childhood. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing more damage than good, other times I feel like I’m getting the hang of this parenting thing, and most of the time I just feel extremely lucky and proud to have two children who are as sweet and easy to deal with as mine.

One of the things that have been most important to me in raising my kids has been to always treat them with respect. I’ve been careful to make sure I listen when my eldest at three years old is telling me something, and to mirror his enthusiasm. I’ve always tried to explain why I want him to do whatever I’m asking him to do, or why I don’t want him to do what he’s doing – even before he was old enough to understand. I’ve found that he’ll be more likely to act out or refuse to obey me if he’s confused or frustrated. If I’ve had to discipline him in some way, I’ve always made sure he understands why – and I’ve given him a chance to change his behavior before the consequences kick in. It is remarkable how many tantrums we’ve avoided, and how easy it’s been to get him to behave when we’re at the store or visiting someone. He has also developed an amazing ability to show empathy and always treats others with kindness. I believe this is a direct result of how we’ve treated him.

But lately, I’ve started to feel like I’m failing. I’m busy, tired and always in a hurry. When I tell him to come and put his shoes on in the morning I don’t have time to let him be a three year old. I know how important it is for him to take the time to finish what he’s doing and put it away, but I get impatient and frustrated when he doesn’t do what he’s told right away. And then I start raising my voice and I stop I listening. I waste more time getting angry and having a three year old throw a tantrum than if I had just let him use those four and a half seconds to put away his toy. And our morning would have been so much better. Then when I come home from work I have dinner to make, dishes to clean, diapers to change – and I fall into that same pattern. I don’t see him like I used to. I don’t speak to him like I used to. I don’t listen like I used to.

And guess what? He’s stopped listening to me. More often than not, he’ll ignore me when I ask him to do something. He gets more easily frustrated and, in turn, angry when something doesn’t go his way. And I know that I could so easily make it all better. It wouldn’t even require that much effort. And yet, here I am; tired, busy, impatient.

I’ve got one day left of my three-day vacation, and I hope that as we start our regular lives again on Thursday I’ll be able to start a new one. One where I’m moving towards becoming the mother I want to be, rather than in the opposite direction.

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Filed Under: Everyday musings

Comments: 17 Comments to Read

keekaboo said,

først først først først

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J.D. Meier said,

I think it’s great you figured out what you want. That alone can get you there, one moment at a time.
J.D. Meier´s last blog post: Finding a Way to Do the Things You Hate

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keekaboo said,

Og så kom den ordentlige kommentaren: Jeg kjenner meg SÅNN igjen. Jeg ser faktisk at jeg er flinkere med nummer to – både fordi det er nummer to og fordi jeg er eldre (jeg er jo mye eldre enn deg må vite, skulle bare mangle at ikke jeg får litt visdom sammen med alle rynkene og alt fettet som samler seg når man passerer 25 – og ikke minst når man passerer 28 og 29…)

Men din bevissthet rundt dette, og ditt ønske om å gjøre dette bra og riktig for barnet ditt – det merkes også når du ikke lykkes hver gang. De få gangene du er trøtt og sliten ødelegger ikke barnet ditt. Det gjør det bare litt tyngre å få ham til å lytte neste gang. Det høres ut som om du er super-reflektert og super-mamma, bare stå på.

Viktigste for barnet ditt er å vite at han er elsket – og det vet han faktisk når du er sliten og trøtt også!
keekaboo´s last blog post: Omsorgssvikt – ta ungen fra dem!

[Reply]
Jarle said,

Crap, I leave for a two hour lunch and this happens! meh…

On topic, I think the best way to make a kid drop whats in his hands and get his ass over to you is to trick him with chocolate.

[Reply]
Nino Natividad said,

THis is great post! Thanks for sharing!

Nino Natividad
Nino Natividad´s last blog post: Watch Michael Jackson Memorial Service Live Stream

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hi, JD; yes, I really feel like I’ve taken the first step in just writing down my thoughts on this. And now I guess I’m holding myself a little more accountable for actually making the changes! I don’t want this post to be a nagging reminder, but rather a place to start.

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hei Keekaboo; tusen takk for oppmuntringen! Jeg tror nok at vi bare trenger å komme oss over en liten kneik akkurat nå – det er jo en litt ond sirkel dette her… jo mindre han hører etter, jo lettere er det å miste tålmodigheten, og så sitter man der! Og haha, du vet at jeg er OVER 25, ikke sant?

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Adrenalynn said,

Hi Jarl; two hour lunches? Is your company hiring? I’ll try the chocolate thing next time. Is that what you do with your kid? Maybe I can just keep some in my pocket and he’ll smell it and come running?

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hi Nino; thank you for the support! Thanks for coming by

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Jarle said,

No hiring, unfortunately… Lukas is attracted to electric cables and tools. Works every time

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Haha, we have one of those too… Cables make great chew toys.

[Reply]
Kristin said,

I think the fat that you recognize there is a problem means you are going to take the steps to make it better! Why couldn’t these babies have come with owner manuals?
Kristin´s last blog post: Ohh La La!

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hi Kristin; yes, I already feel the positive effects of deciding to make a change! Someone should really think about that owner manual, though

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Hicham said,

We are involved in taking care about our jobs to secure our life. O.K. of course however it’s important to keep an eye on the kids too so try with the week-ends, vacations and see how you can organise your day. It’s not easy but also not impossible and you’ll find no manual because everybody has his/her own problems with life, work, ect

Nevertheless, ENJOY, C’est la Vie
Hicham´s last blog post: De-Stereotyping the Image?

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hi Hicham; thank you, I’ll try

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Extreme John said,

Lately I find myself in the same boat as you with my eight year old daughter, between stress and added business load Im doing the best I can.

Being aware of it makes a big difference, it’s when Im not thinking that I get annoyed with myself.

I recently started taking an extra hour out of my day to do nothing butt spend time with my princess and thats made a big difference in her understanding why I am pressed for time. I explained it to her when I started doing it and she really seems to appreciate that “fun hour”.
Extreme John´s last blog post: Bonehead Bulldogs: Reagan vs Rain

[Reply]
Adrenalynn said,

Hi Extreme John; that sounds like a very good idea! Sounds like you’re a great dad

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